How I'm Doing

Several of you have recently mentioned you'd like to know how I'M doing. So I thought I'd take the time to post that over here on Sanctifying Truth, as most of what is going on with me is inside. This post may seem disjointed and random-sounding...but it's the quickest way to get my thoughts out...and I should be getting to bed!

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Physically:

I'm pregnant. And I feel every bit pregnant now. Someone at church said I'm "finally" starting to show. Ummm...ok. I thought I've been showing for months now! I still deal with some lower back/hip/pelvic bone pain, but it is not nearly as bad as it has been in the past. Some days are better than others, but most are on the better side.

Elijah can reach my ribs now, which is not always comfortable. I can't always breath easy because there's so much belly there. I often wonder how much bigger I'll get in these last two months if I'm already protruding this much.

I have been dealing with hell-fire indigestion the past few days. Tums barely works. Milk sort of works. But the best remedy I've found? An ice cream sandwich. Who knew? Too bad I can't eat those guilt free! I'm feeling the layers pudge on, but keep reminding myself it's ok because it's fuel for nursing Elijah. It came off with Judah; it will come off with Elijah.

I'm to the point now where I catch myself daydreaming and remembering what it was like to wear normal clothes, to sit in a chair and see a woman's body rather than a bulging belly. And for some reason, the picture is always me in my awesome Kohl's jeans and long sleeved red t-shirt -- the outfit I wore last New Year's when Autumn and Andy came through Evansville. I daydream of being "normal" again, looking it and feeling it.

But there IS an end to this pregnancy, it is a blessing that I CAN be pregnant, and who is inside me is worth far more than any momentary trials I have now. After all, two truths apply to my thoughts/feelings about my physical state: 1) Part of Eve's curse was pain in child-bearing...I don't think that curse was limited to just the labor/delivery part. 2) Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord, arrows in the hand of a warrior!

Emotionally:
I think I am on the upswing emotionally. There was a time recently when every Thursday seemed to be my "rough day" of the week. Anything could set me off to anger, tears, moodiness, you name it. But I think I'm good now, perhaps because I'm in my third trimester. I'm very excited about all the change that's about to happen -- our house-hunting trip in June, preparing for Elijah's arrival, the second c-section, having a toddler and newborn, seeing my hubby graduate with a master's degree, and moving to the other side of the country (again). It seems that Matt and I have done enough in our just-under-3-years of marriage to equal quite a few years of marriage! But it has been a grand adventure and continues to be.

There are hard sides, though. Am I prepared to be a mom of a toddler AND newborn? I have to establish nursing with a baby while having a 1.5 year old around. I have to lose sleep again. Start all over with parenting. I have fears of losing any of the bond I have with Judah, my sweet firstborn. To think of having to divide my attention away from him to care for another baby is very hard for me. But Matt faithfully reminds me that I had the same strong fear and sadness when it was time to wean Judah. He sat and watched me bawl the last time I nursed Judah -- but he reminds me that the connection was not lost or diminished at all, it just changed. And he is right...our bond will not lessen with Elijah's arrival, it will just change again. ::sigh:: I love my husband.

I have great relief knowing Elijah is coming by c-section. Praise God for His work in me to stop questioning His plan for my baby-birthing. I have reached the point to where I relish the thought of being able to wake up, shower, dry my hair, relax, and then go in to get my baby out rather than startling out of deep sleep, not showering, being in great pain for 14 hours, and THEN having a c-section. I think this recovery will be much faster and even better than my first recovery was because I WON'T have the labor first. I'll be fresh and ready rather than spent and weary. This is all assuming things will go normally. ;-) Who knows but that God has different plans than mine...again. But He knows best!

Spiritually:

The most impactful thing I have heard lately was a quote from Norma at last week's Bible study. We were discussing submission/rebellion of wives and husbands, and someone brought up children. Norma told us something she heard long ago, "Why are we so surprised when our children rebel since we model it for them every day?" ::gulp, gasp, swallow:: Talk about earth-shattering. All I could think about was the potential for Judah to grow up to be a short-fused, impatient, control-freak, perfectionist of a man because that is what he saw in his Momma. What Norma said reminded me in the clearest way ever that it is oh-so-important for me to keep my walk with Christ TOP priority in my life so that I can be a good example for my sons. My influence as a mother who is with them nearly 24/7 is far greater than I will ever realize. But then, I can look at how many times I think to myself "I just felt like my mom." Kids really do end up mirroring their parents in one small way or another big way.

My biggest struggle lately has been prayer. My spiritual life seems to go in waves. Either I am a great Bible scholar OR a faithful prayer warrior. I've never had both at the same time, and I'm frustrated with that. It seems that when I am a Bible scholar, I should be ever increasing in my prayer life as I learn more of who God is and who I am. But it doesn't happen. However, I know it's about to and I'm on my way. It's been quite the journey this time to reach for the prayer life. Our pastor is doing a Sunday night study on prayer. We've missed quite a few but are trying to catch up with the messages posted online. It is an amazing, helpful, motivating study. For example, tonight Jim emphasized one point that answered prayer is something we can EXPECT from God if we are truly His. God wants us to ask of Him! Jim said it is even safe to say that we can freely ask God to answer our prayers so that we can have assurance we are His. How awesome is that? But, that doesn't mean the answer will always be yes, of course. ;-)

The Bible study I've been going to has been incredible. Norma has taught us ladies how to study the Bible for ourselves. It's such a simple method with the right tools and perspective. Sure, I went to Masters and got excellent teachings on the Bible from men with PhD's. But I needed someone to teach me HOW to study the Bible by myself from a WOMAN'S perspective. God is so good to give us what we need in the way that we need it! We're working through I Peter right now. But at the same time, I'm kind of jealous of Matt who is reading the Bible straight through this year. He shares so many insightful comments and new stories I've never heard! Makes me want to quit the in-depth studying of I Peter and start devouring from Genesis to Revelation...but I gotta stay disciplined and finish learning I & II Peter. THEN I will hop right to reading straight through!

I'm also really working on letting go of some of my control/perfectionist tendencies. I have made small progress -- such as not refolding towels after Matt has done them and then NOT caring when I saw the stack of hand towels under the sink that did not look like a Bed Bath & Beyond display. Instead I chose to be thankful that I was not the one that had to spend the time/energy folding them and that my husband chose to serve me in that small way. That's a huge step for me, people! To adopt the idea that things can be done in ways different than mine and still be perfectly fine -- wow. "But my way is the most efficient way!" is my cry. Then my husband retorts, "It doesn't matter how it gets done as long as it gets done." Talk about a difference in our approach to tasks! But he's right. If our bathroom gets cleaned without me looking, I'm totally fine with it. If I'm watching the cleaner, it kills me inside...and I end up wanting to just do it myself. Matt did let me talk him through every step of how I clean our bathtub though...he's so gracious to this obsessive cleaner (when I get around to cleaning that is!).

I am trying to think before becoming impatient over things that HONESTLY do not matter. It's so refreshing to let the silly things slide instead of getting all worked up, then frustrated, then silently angry, and then have to apologize and start over again. Trust me though...I've still got a long way to go! I'm just so thankful God has given me a husband with a loooooong fuse and a heart that wants to understand his wife. I truly am blessed to be in a marriage where accounts are kept short. TOTALLY God's grace, I assure you. It takes humility (ouch!) and communication. Matt's much better at it than I am!

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I'd include a "mentally" category, but I'm not sure what I'd even write for that one. What I've written are the key points in my life right now...my mental state is pretty much comprised of daily tasks and memory loss. :-P

So, that's me in a nutshell and where I'm at right now. Thanks for letting me get that all out!