Self-Relization

Do you ever have times when you are alone and thinking quite deeply about who you are? I had one of those times on Tuesday as I drove alone in the car to a brunch with some ladies. It was a 40 minute drive through the beautiful hills of the San Andreas Fault with a lovely blue sky half-covered with gorgeous white & gray clouds of varying heights and textures. It helped that I was listening to Josh Groban's new cd on our car's stereo system...such beautiful music, and the catalyst to the thinking that brought about some self-realization.

As I listened to various aspects of the music, I realized that most if not all the songs are based on a waltz rythm. A very classic form of music. The songs include strings and drums (specifically snare) that are traditional instruments for the waltz. The voices that would match the waltz would be operatic. But this is Josh Groban style -- popera as some have termed it. His tone is modern, his talent classic. He combines the strings and other orchestra elements with electric guitar and keyboard. Classic but modern. Tradition with a twist, if you will.

And this thought process brought me to realize that is also what was said of my wedding -- Tradition with a Twist. We had candlelight, but it was black iron with fat pillar candles rather than metalic holders with taper candles. We had black attire with splashes of silver paisley print. My dress was oh-so-formal, a classic ball gown with lace, pearls, and sequins and a sleek satin ribon at the waist. A picture perfect formally classic evening wedding...with crazy bright flowers and Phil Keagy's music. A not-far cry from what it was going to be -- all red roses. That one change in flower choice made my wedding what I'd always dreamed it to be rather than feeling stifled by "traditionally typical." (Note: Red roses are great for others, just not me.)

I'm a wife and mother who stays at home. I have a degree in Home Economics. What would I be if I worked in the secular world? A geneticist -- preferably on the cutting edge of genetic counseling technology. Talk about two occupations worlds apart as far as knowledge, skill, work place, demansd, and hours. The only thing linking the two is that a genetic counselor helps moms have babies.

Then it hit me. This theme is the fiber of my being. All that I am and hope to be stems from the "tradition with a twist" idea. It may sound silly, but for me it runs very deep and at times is very perplexing and frustrating. I am traditional -- manners, dress, speech, beliefs, values, etc. And I know that is what many people see me as. But it is frustrating when I can see how much MORE there is to me, what lies deep within my heart and head that is so different from my exterior. And I can't share it with everyone because it would take years of knowing me. I'm not even sure it is something that can be put into words; you just have to learn it, see it, recognize it, and take it seriously. I would never wish to do away with my traditional side for it is definitely part of who I am...not just a facade. Everyone sees the sturdy ship, but some are keen enough to get a glimpse of the mermaid at its side.

But then I wondered -- is this dichotomy really who I am, or is it spirit versus flesh. Another way "tradition with a twist" manifests itself is as a goody-two-shoes spitfire. I was even teased about being a goody-two-shoes in school (I even remember the guy's name). I've been seen in that light all my life. Praise God, I suppose. Better that than other names girls can be called. But oh how hypocritical I can be BECAUSE I do have that goody-two-shoes repuation. No one sees inside my heart like I do, save for the Holy Spirit. Just the other day, I was with some ladies and we played a game where they had to say the first word that came to their mind when they thought of me. "Sweet, creative, cute, sensitive" were the words said. Gee. How nice. Then I had to take a turn and all these sins came to mind. I chose impatient and they looked at me like it couldn't be true. People, I have an impatience, anger, and pride problem. Yes, I said anger. That's the spitfire in me. I praise God I don't have a huge ability to speak on my feet -- trust me, my silence is golden when I am worked up about something whether it be something from the news or something you've done or not done. If I'm silent, it usually means I am sifting through what to say and what not to say. Push me to speak when I'm not ready, and we'll both probably regret it. (Just ask my husband.) Anyone suprised at this? I kind of hope so. It's feels good to shock people by revealing more of myself -- it lets me know that I'm a real person in their eyes rather than someone who has it all and keeps it together.

My conclusion is that this self-relization is both who I am and also a slight display of spirit vs. flesh. I have a strong foundation and sturdy walls, but walk inside and you'll find a fairytale land ruled by a head-strong maiden. I am Diana AND Anne. I am a sweet little rebel. I am that Urbandale table, modern with a touch of country. I dance to the waltz in a beautiful ballgown...among the clouds with the moon my spotlight.

I praise God for who He has made me to be. At least I know He knows just how deep this traditionally twisted thread runs within me...He put it there.

Sunrise Story

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter until the full light of day. ~Proverbs 4:18

As I awake here on my bed,
I am thinking of the day ahead.
There's quite a long list of to-do's;
Oh, which priorities will I choose?
My walls are golden glory;
The sun has begun this day's story.

And my soul is found in You,
A sunrise, beautiful and new.
First gleam growing to full light;
Radiant colors burst into sight.
When evening comes, let me say,
"I chose You above all today."

There was a man who had no bed;
They laid a crown of thorns on His head.
The Morning Star and Great I Am
Became my own sacrificial Lamb.
Giving up His heav'nly glory,
He completed Redemption's story.

And my soul is found in You,
A sunrise, beautiful and new.
First gleam growing to full light;
Radiant colors burst into sight.
You chose Night so I could see
The righteous path blazed just for me.

I'm here upon my final bed;
My mind wonders of the Night ahead.
My life is now over, now through.
And did I do all I could for You?
Now I see the golden Glory,
Sunrise of my eternal story.

Now my soul is found in You,
A sunrise, beautiful and new.
First gleam growing to full light;
Radiant colors burst into sight.
Evening now will never come;
My eyes have seen the eternal Son.